Artist, musician, and friend of mine, Chris, painted me something based off a list I gave him of my favorite colors, words, images, and ideas. From that list, his process for determining which words he’ll use from the list is a pretty simple one. He read the list several times and focused on the words that appealed to him as an individual and as an artist. This is what those of us who study language mean when we speak of the impossibility of an author being absent from any piece of rhetoric, whether it be an essay, a poem, a news report, a song, or, even a painting.

Anyway, the words he drew out from my list are: the moon, ancient, sleeping (I love sleeping), and mountains. He also used my favorite colors, which I just labeled “earth tones, with purple in moderation.” The original sketch had a monkeywrench looming in the background, but Chris decided it would detract from the rest of the work (but it’s still there in spirit…in the title).

When I first saw it, I really liked it, though wasn’t sure if it resembled me. Then I thought about a line, one that I either heard, read, or wrote myself—I don’t remember, but it still sums up what is important to me—“we are just as much a part of our environment as our environment is a part of us.”

The sleeping figure, though I can’t grow a magnificent beard like that (and great beards should always be described as magnificent, I think), caught me off guard because even though I love sleeping, I don’t think such an illustration is very complimentary. But I think it captures how I feel right now. I feel in between destinations.

I just finished grad school and, during that chaotic time, I was thinking that a PhD. would be my obvious next step, but now I’m having second thoughts. I’m not sure I could sit though more lectures, thinking, reading, writing, and theorizing about the state of the world. I know it’s messed up and I’m tired of thinking and talking about it. I’m beginning to see my niche and I’m not sure more education will enhance that or not. Now that I’m not taking classes, I’m simply teaching them, I already realize and value the time I have to dedicate to myself and activist causes.

I’ve been talking to people and I’ve got some projects and collaborations on the horizon and I have realized that that is what I love. The column I write, the workshops I give for the MARS Project, the environmental work that I do….these are the things that are important to me and these are the things that I love. All I need to do is figure out a way to translate that passion and those activities to a living wage. I’m not saying a PhD. is out, it’s just that I’m not sure that’s what I want to do immediately…and this is for many reasons.

Activists, radicals, deep ecologists, writers, anarchists…all of us…are eventually confronted with having to negotiate the tension between ideology and a paycheck. It’s rough that the same system you seek to change is the same system that you are dependent on to live. I need a job that will fulfill both, but I know it’s ultimately up to me. If I work from 8 until 5 or 6 every day, that leaves 4 or 5 hours a day that I can use for my own projects. Maybe this is why I haven’t even thought of dating anybody during the last year. Any helpful suggestions would be appreciated. I know I’m not the only one that faces these issues.

This entry was posted on Saturday, September 29th, 2007 at 11:54 am and is filed under updates & me stuff, art. You can subscribe via RSS 2.0 feed to this post's comments. You can comment below, or link to this permanent URL from your own site. Your comments will be moderated but will appear as soon as humanly possible.